Horn broken. Watch for finger.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Laugh alone, and the world thinks you're an idiot.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt-in case heaven is like the
IRS.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
Make it idiot-proof, and someone will make a better idiot.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who
can't.