Star Trek

The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek:

  1. You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7.
  2. You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.
  3. You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterprise.
  4. Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and torture you for information.
  5. You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a whale.
  6. Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers of T.J. Hooker and Capt. Kirk.
  7. You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't that the one with Luke Skywalker?"
  8. You have no life.
  9. You recognize more than 4 references on this list.
  10. You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you calculated for the planet Vulcan.

Top Ten Bumperstickers on The U.S.S. Enterprise

  1. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"
  2. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"
  3. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!"
  4. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"
  5. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
  6. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."
  7. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?"
  8. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"
  9. "We brake for cubes!"
  10. "Wesley On Board!"

Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship:

"Blonde Borgs have the same fun."

Top 20 Uses for Data's Detatched Head

  1. Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk
  2. The ball in Parisis' Squares
  3. Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft
  4. Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet
  5. Scare blind students in Braille class
  6. Prop open doors for maintainence crews
  7. Lawn decoration in Arboreteum
  8. Footstool for Captain's chair
  9. Entertaining kids in day care puppet show
  10. Scare Alexander into doing chores
  11. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift
  12. Decorative air filter in Picard's fish tank
  13. Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead" in research
  14. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards
  15. Two words: tether ball
  16. Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking
  17. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet
  18. Donate to Starfleet Academny to be head of the class
  19. Use as nutcracker at Christmas time
  20. Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his life insurance policy

Surefire Signs that Star Trek is Taking Over Your Life:

  1. Saying "make it so" in casual conversation
  2. Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium and tritanium.
  3. Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without excessive thought first
  4. More than one pair of Spock ears in junk drawer
  5. Have figured out the stardate system
  6. Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra
  7. Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol
  8. The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams
  9. Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and "The Omega Glory"
  10. Memorization of the crew's authorization codes
  11. Forgetting that today's elevators don't have voice interface
  12. Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments
  13. Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the Enterprise from the Franklin Mint
  14. Understanding Klingon
  15. Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work
  16. Playing fizzbin and understanding it
  17. "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and dramatic stylistics
  18. Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects sequences in ST:TMP
  19. Inexplicable rock-climbing urges
  20. More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawers

20 Things that Never Happen in Star Trek

  1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.
  2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.
  3. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
  4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form just wearing a funny hat.
  5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay.
  6. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
  7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without a serious incident.
  8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
  9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
  10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
  11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
  12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems.
  13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
  14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
  15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
  16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
  17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
  18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
  19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
  20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.

The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard

  1. ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"
  2. yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees a shuttlecraft
  3. screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge
  4. spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead
  5. lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other life-forms
  6. sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick Hertz is there
  7. asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a REAL Picard Maneuver"
  8. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"
  9. telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead, make it so"
  10. putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team beams back up

Top nine fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise:

  1. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft
  2. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data
  3. Giving Worf A nuggie
  4. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 minutes into the future just to piss them off (haha, free pizza!)
  5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Folger's crystals
  6. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self-destruct sequence
  7. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression
  8. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed aboard Prince Albert In A Can
  9. Tribble sex!